Battle of the Sexes... Round Five
Jokes about men and women...
Compliments of Mary and Susan for Grant's Birthday
March 19 2004
WHY MEN DIE FIRST
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay . you should get
off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a
chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's
domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a
pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape
.............. you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape...................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're over sexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
THEY WANT TO!!!
The Orgasmic Calculator
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."
DAMN SHE'S GOOD!
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Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
HE ASKED FOR IT!
*******************************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
YUP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!
*******************************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
RIGHT ON, LADY!
"God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
(This is a public service message for women, to better understand men.)
Because I am a Man
When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a Man . . .
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a Man . . .
When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a Man . . .
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu".
For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a Man . . .
When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a Man . . .
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a Man . . .
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how would he know where we're going?
Because I'm a Man . . .
There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a Man . . .
I do not want to visit your Mother, or have your Mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mother, too.
Because I'm a Man . . .
You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a Man . . .
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without - it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
(This has been a public service message for women, to better understand men.)
Newly released ingredients of Viagra.
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitam1n C
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
5% Spray Starch
87% fix-a-flat