Battle of the Sexes... Round Three
Jokes about men and women...
A well-known cardiologist died and an elaborate
funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers
stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the
casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing
the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into nervous laughter.
When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just
thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."
Subject: Dr. Visit
I got some bad news today.
I went to the doctor for my annual physical.
I found out that I have furniture disease.
For those of you who are not familiar with furniture disease...
it's happens when you reach the stage in life that
your chest slides down into your drawers!
Gift Buying Rules For Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter
if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he
has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many
cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two
words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK.
By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car,
a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something
to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their
cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch
him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey
or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave
or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are
earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock.
Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always
have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
ParrLumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and
Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance
Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter
if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and
what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins,
or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.